Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Grieving

I miss writing. I have so much on my heart right now and not enough words to say them. 
We lost our third baby. I was five weeks and 4 days along and not even ready to open up and really tell people we were expecting but my heart is grieving... my body is hurting and grieving... and it will take time. Time to feel again, to not look at my son with longing sad eyes and dream of days that will not be. Two children I will never have missing from our family photos. Two siblings my son will never know or play with. I can't type it. Not now. I can't see though tear stained eyes. But I am not gone. Just grieving.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Garden Progress

The crops are finally starting to bloom and I am just so excited to see all the fruit we will yield!
I also found out something I didn't know abut squash... the flowers close at dusk and open at dawn! I love watching them "wake up" each day with new, giant, yellow flowers for me. There is about six flowers now and quite a few buds which I will inevitably and reluctantly have to pluck off before they bloom (so I get a full, healthier crop instead of a big crop with smaller fruit).

The green beans are even starting so grow fruit already. I had no idea the flowers looked so much like snap dragons but I love it!
You can see in the above photo that right now the green beans are smaller then the leaves. They have a while to go but it is exciting to see my diligence being payed off. Especially when the other side of the flower bed still has itty bitty baby sprouts of plants (zucchini, cucumber, and peppers to be exact).

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Just Keep Dancing

This is a post I have wanted to write for a while now but never felt like it was the right time and when it did feel like the right time I was, honestly, scared. I don't know why but something about announcing your goals and dreams to the whole world makes it harder if/when those dreams don't come true. I know that that is a negative way to look at life and that is why I am writing this. Hubby and I want to adopt. We have wanted to adopt for some time now (three years for him and a lifetime for me). I never wanted to talk about it, in part, because Darling has been on the 'fence' about it ever since we married. Even before then, when we would talk about it when we were dating and engaged.
Some people ask us why we want to adopt; in fact, most people ask us that. I can see it in their eyes. They look at me, then Darling, then Button and even when they don't ask you can see them "asking"... 'Why would you adopt... you can have children', 'don't you want your own children', 'aren't your biological children enough', 'why not save those children for people who can't conceive'. That last one bothers me the most! Why, because in this day and age adoption is NOT the first go to option for families that cannot conceive; in vitro fertilization is. Most couples now days make adoption their very last option if a donor or in vitro or pretty much any other means of conceiving is not possible. So no, I'm not going to sit by while my baby is overseas hoping he/she will be some infertile family's last hope. I’m not saying it is wrong for those families to do that. It is their choice; but that does not make me a bad person for knowing that God has put aside a child from another mother, overseas, just for our family. I know that. I know that my baby will be from China, I know that we want our baby to be a middle child (we are hoping for a large family, God willing). We don't know what our baby will look like; if it will be a boy or girl or how old he/she will be (we are looking between ages nine months- three years). We don't know how long it will take to bring out baby home or what it will be like when he/she gets here. But what we do know is that this is what is right for us. We love Button with all our hearts, yes, our biological child is loved. No, we will not love our adopted child more or less than any of our other babies. Yes, we want our "own" children... just, one of them is overseas. That is how we see it. That child IS our child. No he/she did not come from my womb but that child did come for our family, that child is in my heart... even now. Before he/she is even born just as all our other children are. In all intents and purposes, God made that child for us. That child is mine. Yes one of our babies will have two sets of parent and we may even find out who those parents are but to us, that does not mean that child was not a God given gift to our family.
I say all this because; though we cannot start the adoption process for some time (both parents must be 30... I just turned 25), it is on my heart a lot lately. I worry, like any parent, how I will provide and come up with the funds to adopt; I think about how my child will feel about me. I wonder what kind of big/little brother or sister our baby will be.
My sister gave me a gift a while ago, a little dancing panda for our car. 


Every time I get in the car I'm reminded of my baby out there waiting for mommy, far across the sea. I'm reminded to dance though this wait, to not become complacent but continue to live my life for the little one I have now but to never let go of that dream. That my God will provide once that time comes. Just keep dancing and one day our family will be whole.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

His Work

The landlord is having some stuff fixed up so I've had to stay home all last week and today instead of going out with Button. The up side to that is that the house is getting super cleaned and I have been able to take two more photography classes in the last couple of days. Sometimes I get negative thoughts in my head; 'no one likes your work, that's why you don't get work' or 'everyone you know is too cheap to see the value in your work'. I know that is not true. I know that more than ever. No one said it was going to be easy running my own business. No one said it was going to be cheap or quick success. It's hard. 
Then there are moments like this,

 where I see the beauty in simple life. When I get that passion again; that desire to keep that moment forever and share it with others. When I know what I captured is beautiful, not because of my work but because of HIS work that I get to capture. This is why I don't give up. These are the moments that make me keep going despite my own disillusions and harshness.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Rocky Situation

 Spring is starting to turn into summer. I really don't want to write this post because it is so pathetic but I gotta keep things real. I am still not done with my garden. *sigh* While I have planted all my herbs in pots already along with the blackberry bush in a large pot, removed the wood chips from all the beds, tilled most of all the beds, and planted the two smaller beds, this, is what my main bed still looks like. 
It is only partly weeded and tilled and rocks removed. The plus side is that I did finish on the other small, long side about a week ago and now it looks like this.


I mean, I would love to have all my garden looking like this...




but alas, I procrastinate, the rain keeps falling and making it hard to work in the soggy soil, and I'm fighting a hard battle with the slew of pebbles the earth spits at me. Yeah, my ground has so many stupid little rocks in it that I took a left over moving box and have filled it half way full of little rock! errrg. So, my garden is still not all planted.
I want to be honest with you all. Life isn't perfect even when its bliss. We will still have a crop; it might not be a large or multiple harvest but it will come and I will finish the garden...before winter. 

So far I have planted:

basil
thyme
parsley
oregano
cilantro
chives
blackberries
winter squashes (including butternut, spaghetti, and acorn)
green beans
sweet peppers
zucchini
cucumbers

In the big bed I plane on growing all the greens, tomatoes, sunflowers, and chamomile and in another large put, lavender.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Last Day

During our last day on vacation we all just spent time relaxing. We sat around on the big wrap around porch, grilled out for lunch and just enjoyed each others company in general.

It was such a nice ending to an amazing vacation.

Later in the afternoon my mother and I walked around main street 
(which was only about four blocks from their house!) and found one of the most unique books stores I had ever seen 

It was literally filled top to bottom and bottom to top with books. So many I would never even read all the labels in a life time much less all the books themselves!
When we got home my parent took us out to eat at one of their favorite local restaurants. It really was a great ending to an amazing time we had there. I can't wait until next time we get to come visit but, at the same time I'm so happy to be home; even if it has been raining almost every day.


Monday, June 2, 2014

To the Beach

For our second day on vacation we decided to take it easy and go to the beach all day.

It was Buttons first time at a beach ever so we were excited to see what he thought of it. For the most part he really liked it; though, his is not a fan of the water. I think it was a little too cold for him. The plus side is that we never had to worry about him trying to run into the water alone! 

 Another plus is that he didn't try to eat the sand... not even once! I was so sure he would try to eat it since he is going though that phase and I've heard that that's a common reaction of toddlers at the beach. 

No, my little man was far too interested in being annoying social with the surrounding tanners to bother with the sand.
Going to the beach was one of the biggest highlights of our trip and I was so happy we all enjoyed it. I even caught darling building a sand castle and burying our son in the sand (whom, by the way, though that was actually really funny). 


We are just so blessed to have family that lives just a few miles from the beach now! There was even a big filed of wild flowers that we had the chance to fly our kit at while Button "picked" 'mamma' flowers.

I can see many more days of sandy toes and swimming in the ocean in the near future!